Grice, "Ifs and cans" (The Grice Archive, Folder 11 and 12, Carton 7)

--- Most likely a discussion of Pears which is now in the OED3, thanks to me, as quoting Grice on 'conversational implicature'. Things OED staff care for -- never mind the important topic of the 'if and K-AN'.

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If ifs and ands were pots and pans, there'd be no work for tinkers' hands

"Used as a humorous retort to an over-optimistic conditional expression."

"ands: the conjunction and ‘if’, of which "an" is a weakened form, is employed irregularly here as a noun to denote ‘an expression of condition or doubt’.

‘If a poor man's prayer can bring God's curse down.’‥

‘If ifs and ans were pots and pans.’

[1850 C. Kingsley Alton Locke I. x.]

There is also the old doggerel

—If ifs and ands Were pots and pans
Where would be the work for Tinkers' hands?

[1886 Notes & Queries 7th Ser. I. 71]

As my old aunt used to say,

‘If ifs and ands were pots and pans, there'd be no work for tinkers' hands.’

[1981 J. Ashford Loss of Culion xvi.]

A reader signed ‘Desperate in Ohio’ reported that a verse her aunt told her many years ago was rattling around in her head, but she couldn't remember the last line. It went,

‘If “ifs” and “ans” were pots and pans‥’

My column yesterday was filled with letters from readers eager to provide the missing line, ‘‥there'd be no work for tinkers.’

[2002 Washington Times 14 Aug. B5]

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When the 'can' fits in:

Austin's paper is old.

Pears's paper appeared in the Canadian Journal of Philosophy, but the OED3 preferred to edit the later repr. in their (already in their system), Berlin, Essays on Austin.

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Pears repr. his essay in his "Philosophy of mind" book with Duckworth.